Memories Of A Place I’ve Never Been To

An Essay On Giving Yourself The Permission To Feel

Photo by averie woodard on Unsplash

ave you ever noticed how there aren’t many articles on how alcoholism, depression, anxiety, weight gain, or negative life situations affect us while experiencing them? We only talk about these in the past tense because we are ashamed of how much we struggle daily.

Everyone talks about the road to recovery after recovery. It is still shameful to be actively suffering from anything negative. We only celebrate once we are over it. I get it; it is depressing to read about depression without having a glorious cheerful ending. But for many of us, depression is a daily reality, and it is not a solely individual responsibility to “get over it” or recover. It’s not easy to heal in isolation without a support system.

Everyone talks about the road to recovery after recovery.

We keep avoiding negative emotions like shame and guilt. We self-medicate, mask them, run away endlessly from our regrets. And it is precisely this kind of avoidance and lying to myself that lead to my chronic depression.

It’s not easy to heal in isolation, without a support system.

When you are a high functioning depressed person, people don’t take your chagrin too seriously. I ended up being labelled as sad, playing the victim all the time, overreacting, and irrational. My depression eventually ended most of my friendships and all of my relationships.

I masked and carried around an insane amount of unresolved trauma and fear of abandonment. Like most of us, I started suppressing my feelings when I was desperate for help, but no help came. I asked for it, but my friends and family did not take me seriously. People told me to get over myself and stop whining.

It’s not easy to heal in isolation, without a support system.

Those closest to me invalidated my thoughts, my reactions and my feelings. Eventually, I started to feel ashamed and guilty for having them in the first place. My overwhelming anxiety and depression made me feel guilty and unreasonable. Then the self-sabotaging started. I started dysfunctional relationships with narcissistic men because I felt like I did not deserve to be loved. Of course, I have never consciously articulated these words, but the negative self-talk, the way I looked at my reflection in the mirror tell me everything in retrospect.

Photo by averie woodard on Unsplash

When we are in pain, we have to let ourselves feel hopeless to let the emotion fully play out. Your feelings are valid. If you are sad, let yourself feel the pain, for f*ck’s sake. The hopelessness we suppress leaves its residues in our bones and becomes heavier and heavier to carry around as the months and years pass. As time passes, your body aches with emotional residue and tenseness. Your nerves are on high alert, and your bones carry around your emotional weight.

The hopelessness we suppress leaves its residues in our bones and becomes heavier and heavier to carry around as the months and years pass.

The heartbreaks we shrugged off as “their loss” and went about dating other people will eventually dry our hearts out. Every feeling we did not let ourselves feel is stored in our bodies. Every time we play loud music, binge shows, binge alcohol, sex or meaningless activities, we actively silence ourselves.

Every time we play loud music, binge shows, binge alcohol, sex or meaningless activities, we actively silence ourselves.

With time, we get further and further away from our true selves' living, beating heart that once burst with trust, tenderness, and curiosity.

The velvet of the wine brings comfort for a moment, ideas flow, and then it turns around and sucks the water away from the seedling that is you.

People tell you to go to therapy. I tried, but what works for a white guy doesn’t necessarily apply to me. I did not feel heard or understood by my therapists. Many of my struggles are the direct product of not having a home and a place I belong. It’s not common for people to not have a hometown or childhood friends. So how do I explain?

How do I talk about the deep, dark, melancholy longing I feel every day for an imaginary place I have lost and yet to find? I miss friends I never had and remember moments I never lived. I feel the ghost of a kiss I never had and dream of familiar arms around me in my bed. I have memories of a place where I belong but have never been to.

Do you feel sad, lonely, are you depressed? I see you, and I am here to tell you to let yourself feel the loss, the sadness, and melancholy. Healing starts with being much more understanding with yourself and no more silencing yourself.

Do not suppress your valid, human emotions. You are not unreasonable, and you deserve to be heard and loved.

Environmental scientist& entrepreneur. Rethinking culture, future, science, society. ☕️❤ ko-fi.com/onomergen🌍 Top writer 📬ono@onoceans.com

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